Hello, humans. It is I, Raja. The dog. Your friend. I am nine years old now. This is me. As you can see, I am resting quite comfortably on the comfy bed, minding my own business. That was BEFORE. You may have heard that I got an owie on my paw when I was nine because I was bitten by a rattlesnake. Much has been said already by my hoominz about how one day, when I was at an open playgroup, I was minding my own business and I got bitten by a rattlesnake, on my paw, when I was nine. And how I had to go to the vet place for three whole days, and how I had needles stuck in me and I wouldn't eat anything until the very last day and everyone thought I was probably going to not come back from the pet hospital, but then I pulled through and everyone was happy, mostly my hoominz, who spent a lot of time feeding me chicken and rice and some pills that made the swelling go down in my paw and some other pills that made me really tired. This was when I was nine.
As you can see, my paw was all swollen still and I was very tired and I didn't want to play at all. And everyone thought that this was an accident that happened but it wasn't, only I couldn't say anything at the time because I was taking pills that made me sleepy because I was bitten by a rattlesnake when I was minding my own business when I was nine. But I am not taking the pills any more, and my paw is much better, so I can now tell you what really happened when I was bitten by a rattlesnake when I was minding my own business when I was nine.
You see, everyone thinks that it was just an ordinary rattlesnake, like this one. It looks kind of cute and harmless. Just a little rattlesnake, out minding its own snakey business. But it was not. TRUST ME.
It was, in fact, a Mutant Rattlesnake of Death. It had three heads and red eyes and was not smiling. This is the snake that bit me on the paw when I was nine.
Except that it had three heads and red eyes and was not smiling and the eyes shot death ray laser beams. This is the snake that bit me on the paw when I was nine. Except it had three heads and red eyes and was not smiling and the eyes shot death ray laser beams and it also had armor plating. Like a dragon. Only better.
This is really the snake that bit me on the paw when I was nine. Except that this was a Giant Mutant Commander Rattlesnake of Death that was leading an armyof three-headed snakes with death ray laser beam eyes and armor plating, and he was just as scary as all the rest except that he was two hundred feet tall. This is really the snake that bit me on the paw when I was nine.
But because I had stepped on him he slithered away in fear so fast that he dropped his armor and the laser beams stopped shooting and so did all the other rattlesnakes with three heads and death ray laser beam eyes and armor plating, because they saw that I was a GOOD DOG and did not take any nonsense from those evil mutant rattlesnakes.
And that is the real true story of how I got an owie on my paw when I was nine. May I have a cookie now, on account of how I was so very brave?